*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
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Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I gave up going to work for lent.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail