HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
You Might Also Like
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.