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one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live