If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.