🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
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My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
looks legit
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume