Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Ok but actually
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.