ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
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I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I don’t get marriage
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Risking my life for fun.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”