Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Labreador
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening