If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
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(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.