30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
You Might Also Like
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
What my back needs
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?