Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
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Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
seems like a niche market
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.