when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
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[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
just left a huge legacy in there
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.