*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
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I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this