5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
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Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?