Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
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water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Banana is the quietest snack
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!