I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
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Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.