THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I know karate and tons of other words.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
#oldknees
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside