14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
You Might Also Like
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.