Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
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My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
That’s fair
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.