Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
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WWE is French for “yes”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
japanese corn
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work