imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>