I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
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When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP