When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
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I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
At least try to make it slightly believable
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Worst bar ever.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
What the hell happened here.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!