Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I’m having an out of money experience.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask