I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
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Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂