[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
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Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Proctology is located in A55
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”