I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
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My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
found my next D&D character name
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.