If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
$4 #usedbooks
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours