I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
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satan: not today, microsoft teams
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.