Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*