“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
what it’s like dating me:
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp