I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
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*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.