My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
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When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched