Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
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“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Hell yeah 👍
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?