[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
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Oh boy, $150,000!
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go