I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
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Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.