*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
don’t we all
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
never ask a starfish for directions
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles