[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You Might Also Like
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid