*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
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cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I gave up going to work for lent.
How did we not see this back then?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.