Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time