Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
You Might Also Like
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.