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HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Okey dokey.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies