So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
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Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.