[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
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DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.