Yes my dude
You Might Also Like
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I accidentally used my cat鈥檚 shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
me irl
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Just by looking into someone鈥檚 eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 馃槷 hampire
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
SORTING HAT: this kid鈥檚 a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes鈥itronella.
Walt Disney:
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…