Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
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wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I love art.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs