If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
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My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
they really do be looking like this
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.