Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home