“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
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Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
❤️❤️❤️
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.