There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
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Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
#TopTip
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”